Sorrys!!

So I know I freaked some people out the other day. Sorry guys. Not really but yea. I didn't expect any of you to react the way you did. I don't think anyone ever even read this. Obviously you guys do. I was at a low. Not the first time and definitely not the last. Don't worry I didn't hurt myself. You guys shouldn't take things so seriously. Well you should but. Anyway. On a much happier note I know his name now! His name is Adam and he's a sophomore and he's really quiet and shy. He's my neighbour and omj is he cute!! Oh you guys don't know who I'm talking bout do ya? Well there's this dude on my bus. He like kinda watches me? Like he'll look out the window glance @ me and he just does that the entire bus ride. I dunno. Ashley and Lauren made me talk to him. It was awkward. So happy I know his name tho!!! Adam. Adam Adam Adam. Lol. He looks like an Adam too.... It's kinda weird. He wears glasses. Sometimes. And he always wears this letterman jacket. What's a letterman jacket? That's what Sidney called it.... I dunno. He's a blonde. Athletic looking. Kinda tan. Like a soft glow kinda. Omg that sounds creepy... I just mean he's not pale. Or like pink like some people. He's not as dark as me by a long shot. He's kinda Louis's color from one direction. Yea. He wasn't on the by today. I think they scared him off... Lol. Ah well. Til next time! Byeeee:)

Goodbye to everyone.

So life sucks. A lot right now. I'm extremely moody and I cry. A lot. More than I usually do. And it's over the smallest stupidest stuff. It's hard to contain any of it. Even thinking about certain things throws me into an attack. That's another thing. I have panic attacks now. I can't tell anyone that. I don't want to get put on pills or have to see a doctor. I'm perfectly fine. Even with my depression and personality disorder. No big deal. I can't even listen to certain Songs. I've kind of turned to books as a crutch. If I'm bored, tired, sad, mad, they help. I wanna cry now. And I don't even know why. I have b's in all my classes. I just don't care anymore. It's all not worth it. And he hates me! i know he does. and ill never forgive myself. I know he wants me to but. I cant. I CANT. I crushed him. and its really not fair. Ill never forgive myself. I wont. And Id say everything would be better if we were together again but.. No. It wouldn't change anything. I've lost interest in most things. I pretend in front of people. And I really fricken...I don't know anymore. I'm under so much fucking stress!!! I'm gaining weight. I eat just to do it. I can't do this anymore. I'm breaking. Again. And no one knows. Not even my best friends. I can't tell them. They wouldn't understand. Things are so easy for them. I think I'll start again. I've done it before. Only one person knows. Maybe I'll just do one better and kill myself. Things have never been this bad before. I've never not been able to handle it. I'm tired of being so strong. I'm done. I... This will probably be my last post. I love you all. Goodbye.

The dance

I didn't go to the dance. Didn't care. No date. No friends were going. So yea.