Goodbye to everyone.

So life sucks. A lot right now. I'm extremely moody and I cry. A lot. More than I usually do. And it's over the smallest stupidest stuff. It's hard to contain any of it. Even thinking about certain things throws me into an attack. That's another thing. I have panic attacks now. I can't tell anyone that. I don't want to get put on pills or have to see a doctor. I'm perfectly fine. Even with my depression and personality disorder. No big deal. I can't even listen to certain Songs. I've kind of turned to books as a crutch. If I'm bored, tired, sad, mad, they help. I wanna cry now. And I don't even know why. I have b's in all my classes. I just don't care anymore. It's all not worth it. And he hates me! i know he does. and ill never forgive myself. I know he wants me to but. I cant. I CANT. I crushed him. and its really not fair. Ill never forgive myself. I wont. And Id say everything would be better if we were together again but.. No. It wouldn't change anything. I've lost interest in most things. I pretend in front of people. And I really fricken...I don't know anymore. I'm under so much fucking stress!!! I'm gaining weight. I eat just to do it. I can't do this anymore. I'm breaking. Again. And no one knows. Not even my best friends. I can't tell them. They wouldn't understand. Things are so easy for them. I think I'll start again. I've done it before. Only one person knows. Maybe I'll just do one better and kill myself. Things have never been this bad before. I've never not been able to handle it. I'm tired of being so strong. I'm done. I... This will probably be my last post. I love you all. Goodbye.