"Friends" yea fucking right...

He wants to be friends. How can I be friends with someone that ripped my heart out, tossed it on the ground, and stomped on it like a cockroach? How can I be friends with someone that broke me so far beyond what anyone else has managed to do? I can't even stand to think about him. I mean the first night. I cried uncontrollably until I got sick and threw up. The next morning, more uncontrollable tears. But after that...I've just been numb. I'm not mad at him. I'm not anything. I'm just hurt. Unbelievably hurt. But it's what I get right? For opening up foolishly and stupidly again. For letting someone have all of me. I knew from the first week I shouldn't have let our relationship continue. But I did! Because I knew I'd fall for him. And I did. Of course I did. Cause I'm unbelievably stupid. I loved him. And I never got the chance to say it back. And its not fair! He stole that chance from me. But he wants to be friends. He says he'll regret his decision. If you know you'll regret it why make that decision? My mom said not be angry. And to sty friends. And not turn our relationship, my first real relationship by the way, into a bad experience. But guess what? I feel like the past 12 weeks have been the best in my life. Because I knew it didn't matter what happened, everyday at school, I got to see him. I got to see ean. And it made my day worth it. He made life worth it. And I know you're thinking, he can still make it worth it! Just as friends now instead of more, right? Wrong. I don't want to be just friends. It's selfish and stupid but I can't stand to be just friends. Not with him. With milo it's easy. We never should have dated to begin with. We were perfectly happy as best friends. And joe, we have both gone through too much and are both too fucked up for anything to have worked out. We should've stayed friends. Ron is a fucking dick and that was a mistake. Milo was long distance, and Ron and joe both only lasted a week. Ean was my first real relationship. He saw me everyday and we dated for almost three months. Which is why it's so stupid I'm upset at all!! God I fucking hate myself! Damnit! I attach myself to people way too quickly. I trust only to be torn appart. I feel like I've said these same things a million times. But I never felt the way I do right now. I have never been so mad at myself before for loving someone so much when I know I shouldn't. Even now I'm crying. My brother and Alison and Alec and Courtney and Sebastian all think I should be mad at him. He broke up with me on Facebook. He could have broken up with me earlier that day at school. Not that it really would have made a difference. I'd still be upset. At least this way I didn't have to deal with any of the snotty assholes on my bus. Ugh I'm a mess. And part of me hopes he reads these still. Byee