My so called best friend

I hate her. I really think I do. Alison that is. My so called best friend. Please. First she bitches at me every time I say anything about talking to or hanging out with Tayler. Just because she isn't friends with her anymore. And IT PISSES ME OFF. Like seriously? Who the fuck are you to tell me who I can and cant talk to and hang with? Yea tayler's been makin some dumb ass choices but that doesn't mean her only best friends that aren't horrible role models should abandon her. Ugh. And she doesn't tell me shit anymore. She'll tell other people before she tells me even though we're supposed to be 'best friends'. For example, yesterday she came into anatomy. She made the comment 'i cant believe my mom made me come in today'. And I said 'cuz there's nothing wrong with you?' And she said 'I'm not sick' and I said 'exactly' and she said 'I wasn't pretending to be' and I said 'then why shouldn't you be here?' And she said 'don't worry about it'. But then she wanted to just copy my labs instead of doing them herself. Bitch, no. You can't tell me why you weren't in school for two days KNOWING you were my lab partner then you can fucking do the work on your own like I had to. And she came into class Thursday and then left without saying a fucking word to me. Ugh. She irritates me. And on top of that I'm the reason she's dating Alec. I got them together. And she gets all pissy when he talks to me outside of school. Seriously? He was my friend before you guys started dating. So fuck off. And I don't even think they should be dating anymore. Alison is a horrible fucking girlfriend. And Alec knows he's in a bad relationship but won't leave. And I'm not gonna say anything to him. Why? For what? It's none of my business. If he wants to stay in a shitty relationship with a girl that doesn't even respect him then fine. By all means stay in a relationship where you're treated as a toy. Ugh. Rant over. For now. Til next time. Bye. 

I hate how the people you least expect to hurt you are the ones that rip your heart out and throw it in a paper shredder. Sometimes you forgive them and they manage to reform your heart. But sometimes they reform your heart just to destroy it all over again. For some reason the second betrayal always hurts more than the first. My theory is because you aren't just mad at them this time, but yourself too. The saying goes fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Or something like that. It's like not only did they let you down AGAIN, but this time you thought things would be different. That they wouldn't do the same thing. That they had really changed. Again, stupid you. Why would they change? They know you'll keep excepting them regardless. Unless. Unless you stop believing in their crap and just stand up for yourself. That's part of what life is about. Not letting others get you down or keep you back from your full potential. Don't keep holding on to a lost cause. True love doesn't depress you. True love doesn't make you wish you'd just die. True love doesn't make you cry day after day because you just don't know what to do anymore. True love makes you want to fly free. True love gives you a reason to live or die for that person. True love makes you cry for joy, not sadness. I know this all sounds stupid. But it was just a moment that hit me. Til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so Cosplay maybe? pt2

Soooo we've decided to Disney characters instead of Madoka characters. I'll be Esmeralda and she will be Rapunzel after she got turned into a lesbian lookin princess aka with short brown hair. I found out the convention is the 15-17 of may. Yupp. Well this is just to catch yall up. Til next time. Byeeeeeeeeeeee

School, lee, and other stuffff

Ha. I'm in school. I downloaded the app recently so I can blog more and what not. Um yea. I'm not sure if my schools crappy wifi will let me actually end up posting this and stuff. Anyway. There's this kid, Well guy, that I know. His name is lee. He's awesome. Haha. He's really tall! Like 6 foot. And he's kinda dirty blonde-brunette-ish. He has brown eyes. And he's white, Of course. And He's cute. Haha. I've been talking to him for about a year now... Yea. He's like my best friend. Without all the complications of outside people. And like, if we don't want to talk to each other we don't have to. Since we don't see each other ever. Oh! And I forgot to mention, his voice? Aaaah. So perfect. Like its kinda deep and he has this slight southern accent and yea. Between his height and his voice he's got me. Um. Yeaaaa. Haha. What was I saying? Oh yea. We don't see each other so having outside lives is kind of a huge thing. Like huuuge. Idk. Hehehe he's bi. Random fun fact. Ummm. Yea. And no I don't mind! I would be a hypocrite if I cared about anyone's sexuality. Since, ya know, I'm bisexual myself. Anyway. We have lives outside of each other. And we've gone like huge amounts of time without talking. Idk how to explain how I feel about him. Like.. It's weird that I've formed such a strong connection with someone I've never even met. Or seen in person. But I really want to meet him. Like for real. Of course I have my worries. What if he isn't what or who he says he is? What if he isn't the guy I've fallen for? Ugh. It's ridiculous. But I'm admitting it. I really like him. I mean we casually say I love you all the time. But it's like, do we actually mean it? Or are we just sayin it. I guess this is the first time I've really thought about it. And I don't love him. I have too many doubts. And I have trust issues. Until those little doubts are gone... I dunno. I don't think I've really loved any of the guys I've dated. Actually, I know I haven't. I want to say I loved ean..but.. I didn't. It was more.. infatuation and a love for the idea of having a boyfriend and a relationship than actually loving him. I want to say I loved him because I got over the fact we didn't  know everything about each other. I dunno. I've never really truly loved anyone. Besides my big sister, little brother, Alison, Tayler, Kylee, and Ashley. Those four are my best friends in the whole world. I've basically narrowed it down like this, my heart has eight sections. One for each Alison, Tayler, Ashley and kylee. One for my dog Zane and my cat tweak. One for my sis and bro. One for boys (haha) and one for everything else. Maybe a ninth. For my love of music and art and writing and creativity in general. I have a big heart. Sometimes I wish it would shrivel up and disappear. I wish I could have the wicked queen come steal my heart. Being heartless would make the world so much more painless. I hate living sometimes. With such a passion I can't help but hate everything. Even the things I prize the most in my life. Like the friendships I've formed. I don't know. Sometimes I'm just so done with life it hurts. Anyway.. It's almost time to leave study hall. So. I'm gonna post this and go. Til next time. Byee. 

Ps. It totally wouldn't publish at school. I'm home now. 

Another wake

So today was my aunt Hollis's wake. She passed Friday evening. I can't believe she's gone. She was probably one of my most favorite people. She was the best. I thought my mom would be gone before her. Apparently she got sick and spiraled very quickly. I saw her in the hospital last Saturday and within a week she was gone. My mom asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her Thursday and I said no because I knew it would upset me too much. Now... I wish I had've. I really wish I had've. I know she's in a better place without pain and hurt. But what about the people still here? The family and friends whose lives she's touched. What about us? Everyone had to of saw it coming. Before she got sick. She was just too skinny. And she didnt eat enough. But I don't think we wanted to believe it. She was still gorgeous as ever in her casket. I think the only thing that really stops people from dissolving in tears at a funeral is the fact your loved one never looks like themselves after death. Ever. From my mom to grandma to aunt... None of them looked the way they did when they were alive. I miss her. Well. Goodnight y'all. Til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so Cosplay maybe?

Sooooo. One of my readers complained about my lack of activity. I have to be in the mood to blog! Anyway. I am sooooooo syked for the Comic con in May! I am going with my best friend. So far we have it going as Friday she is doing Kirito and I'm doing Asuna from Sword Art Online. Saturday She's doing Madam Red and I'm doing Claude from Black Butler. And Sunday we are either doing the twins from Ouran High School Host club (me being Hikaru and her as Kaoru) or her as Homura and me as Kyoko from Madoka Magica. We aren't sure about Sunday yet. I'm so excited though. I, as well as my friend, will be on the panel for Black Butler. So I really need to make sure I know my stuff. Hahaha. The only thing I'm worried about is my skin tone being a problem. And the awful wigs _-_ Anyway! Schol is back in. It has been since August 16th. So almost a month now. Jeeze. Sorry I haven't blogged sooner. Just been real busy. Junior year is so much harder than the past two years of High School. I don't think I like it too much. I am already god awful at Physics. No surprise. I have anatomy with my twin! Aaaaaah! That was an awesome moment on the first day. Mhmmmm. I'm still single. Of course. I found out the theme to my homecoming and possibly prom. The homecoming theme is Casino and rumor has it the prom theme is Masquerade. I it is I will die. And DEFINITELY go. If I had my own school I'd make an Anime themed dance. Lol. Kinda like a comic con. But with people dancing and music and food and yea. So I'm gonna go. I don't know what else to say. And I kinda wanna keep lookin at youtube videos about cosplaying and watching anime. Til next time, Byee.