School, lee, and other stuffff

Ha. I'm in school. I downloaded the app recently so I can blog more and what not. Um yea. I'm not sure if my schools crappy wifi will let me actually end up posting this and stuff. Anyway. There's this kid, Well guy, that I know. His name is lee. He's awesome. Haha. He's really tall! Like 6 foot. And he's kinda dirty blonde-brunette-ish. He has brown eyes. And he's white, Of course. And He's cute. Haha. I've been talking to him for about a year now... Yea. He's like my best friend. Without all the complications of outside people. And like, if we don't want to talk to each other we don't have to. Since we don't see each other ever. Oh! And I forgot to mention, his voice? Aaaah. So perfect. Like its kinda deep and he has this slight southern accent and yea. Between his height and his voice he's got me. Um. Yeaaaa. Haha. What was I saying? Oh yea. We don't see each other so having outside lives is kind of a huge thing. Like huuuge. Idk. Hehehe he's bi. Random fun fact. Ummm. Yea. And no I don't mind! I would be a hypocrite if I cared about anyone's sexuality. Since, ya know, I'm bisexual myself. Anyway. We have lives outside of each other. And we've gone like huge amounts of time without talking. Idk how to explain how I feel about him. Like.. It's weird that I've formed such a strong connection with someone I've never even met. Or seen in person. But I really want to meet him. Like for real. Of course I have my worries. What if he isn't what or who he says he is? What if he isn't the guy I've fallen for? Ugh. It's ridiculous. But I'm admitting it. I really like him. I mean we casually say I love you all the time. But it's like, do we actually mean it? Or are we just sayin it. I guess this is the first time I've really thought about it. And I don't love him. I have too many doubts. And I have trust issues. Until those little doubts are gone... I dunno. I don't think I've really loved any of the guys I've dated. Actually, I know I haven't. I want to say I loved ean..but.. I didn't. It was more.. infatuation and a love for the idea of having a boyfriend and a relationship than actually loving him. I want to say I loved him because I got over the fact we didn't  know everything about each other. I dunno. I've never really truly loved anyone. Besides my big sister, little brother, Alison, Tayler, Kylee, and Ashley. Those four are my best friends in the whole world. I've basically narrowed it down like this, my heart has eight sections. One for each Alison, Tayler, Ashley and kylee. One for my dog Zane and my cat tweak. One for my sis and bro. One for boys (haha) and one for everything else. Maybe a ninth. For my love of music and art and writing and creativity in general. I have a big heart. Sometimes I wish it would shrivel up and disappear. I wish I could have the wicked queen come steal my heart. Being heartless would make the world so much more painless. I hate living sometimes. With such a passion I can't help but hate everything. Even the things I prize the most in my life. Like the friendships I've formed. I don't know. Sometimes I'm just so done with life it hurts. Anyway.. It's almost time to leave study hall. So. I'm gonna post this and go. Til next time. Byee. 

Ps. It totally wouldn't publish at school. I'm home now.