It's been some time huh? Well the shit storm that is my life has only turned up a few notches. Or ten. Seriously I'm counting down the months until I'm a free woman. But then what? I have no place to go. And no one to turn to. I can't graduate early anymore thanks to the woman that dare call herself my mother. If I'm a fuck up then isn't it her fault? She raised me. So it's her shitty parenting. She's a horrid person. She abusive and manipulative and vindictive and just cruel. And she thinks how she acts is okay. Seriously? It's not. No I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. But all the things she calls me and says about me aren't okay. Especially because they aren't true. School is kind of flooding me and I just want to quit. I hate my friends, my classes, my family. I feel like I'm sinking into this monotonous pit of so called life. Everyone else seems oblivious to my deepening depression. If that's even what you can call it. Lately I've been reading the book Columbine for English. I relate to Eric and Dylan so much. More Dylan than Eric I suppose. I do have emotions. He seemed pretty emotionless. All he felt was anger. All I feel is tired. Just completely and utterly tired. Just done. I can't stand it. Everything is always the same. The same fucking dipshit teachers, the same lame ass dumb fuck students, the same uncaring obnoxious "friends", the same pathetic people I unfortunately get to call family. I feel like I don't even belong here. On this planet. I feel like I came from somewhere very far away and just need to go back. Sometimes I can feel myself being dragged elsewhere. Like my true family is just calling to me. Or maybe I'm just thinking of the inner beast that whispers the darkest thoughts to me in my inner most deep thinking. The beast that urges me to murder, no, slaughter. The urge to kill grows constantly.

That kind of fear

You know that kind of fear that has you shaking with the inability to even move? Not the fun kind of fear from horror films. The deep rooted god awful kind. The kind that makes you want to shrink to the size of an ant and slip between the floorboards so the source of your fear can't find you. That kind? That's the kind I'm faced with. More frequently than I care to admit. The kind that makes me want to disappear and never return. The kind that haunts me and determines characteristics of my life. The kind of fear that prohibits. The undeniable kind that feeds off the intensity of your fear. Maybe you don't know what I mean. In that case, til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so cosplay maybe? Pt3

Soooo. I don't really know if we're still cosplaying. Me and Tayler got in this fight because she only talks to me when it's convenient for her. She pisses me off. As I don't think she's gotten like any costumes. So. Til next update. Byee. 

Graduating early, stress, and junior year

So it's been a while huh? Haha sorrys.... So it is now second semester of my junior year. The first half was full of me slacking and still getting a's and b's. Ha. Of course. I'm a genius after all. Anyways. Winter break was interesting. My aunt (guardian dads brothers ex wife) and her son johntae and daughter breonnia (yes my "cousin" jrs siblings) came in November cause of some family stuff. Well johntae ended up moving in and Brenda and breonnia left. Well that wouldn't have been a problem if johntae hadn't of had certain feelings for me that are definitely not family like. And he always has. Had those certain non familial feelings that is. And I never felt the same way! I swear! But then, he moves in. And I get to know this troubled, damaged, soul that is so much like my own it hurts. And guess what fucktard starts falling for him. Yup. Moi. Well of course you're either thinking eww that's your cousin or well you guys aren't really family. You aren't blood related. And I agree with both parties. It's weird. We grew up together. But I never really thought of him as my cousin. He was just that one kid that lived in their house. He was never really around. And then they moved four years ago. I got sibling close to jr, stayed cousin close to breonnia, and continued to feel nothing towards johntae. Again, until he moved in. And why? Why why why why? Why did he have to move in? Apparently because Oklahoma had nothing to offer. Well neither does Illinois! That's why I plan on moving as far away as possible. Like Australia. I miss it there. And my Australian family. Or maybe Italy. That country really connected with my inner self. I have never been as happy as I was there. I dunno why. Maybe in a past life, the best life I had, was there. Anyway. My mom and like everyone else found out I have feelings for him and no one approves. The worst part? They think it's all one sided. On my part of course. Ugh. It's frustrating. But whatever. I'll keep on keepin on. In a year I'll be in college. By 2016 I'll be moved out hopefully. And either in Arizona or some distant college here in Illinois. Either way, I won't look back when I'm gone. I plan on graduating high school early for those of you who are questioning how I could possibly be graduating in only a year. I will do one semester my senior year and be done. Completely, blissfully, done with high school and all it's inhabitants. Exciting n'est pas? I know I'm excited. Ididn't  think I was ready to leave home at one point. I know that I am. It isn't that I'm not ready to leave home. It's that I don't like leaving my comfort zone. Home... Is my comfort zone. But I've realized not all change is bad. And when it comes to moving out and going to university? That's the best kind of change anyone can hope for. Of course I'm a little worried about being able to pay for school. But I know I'll figure it out. Oh! Did I mention I want to be a criminal psychologist? Yupp! 100% for sure this time. I know that's what I want to do. I have never been so sure about anything before. Psychology fascinates me. And so do people that do horrible things like kidnap, rape, murder, and columbine. I dunno. It sound weird, huh? Who in their right mind wants to talk to people that are so sick and twisted that they either belong in the prison they're in, or even worse, an insane asylum? That's the key! Someone that isn't in their right mind themselves! You have to be a little crazy to talk to the people that put schizophrenics and bipolar people to shame.  I don't know why this job makes me so happy. I haven't even started it yet. Haven't even gone to my six years of schooling for it. Yet I'm ready. I'm so ready to just jump up and go ask that guy why he kidnapped all those girls, killed tons of them, and buried them in a canal. Stuff like that interests me intensely. So fiercely it's a bit scary. Anyway. Enough with my weird obsession with crazy people. I got my license in like November. Woo I can drive. I dunno. I guess that's it for now... I'm sure I'll have more to say later. Well til next time. Byeee.