Weekend planssss

So about Saturday. I'm going to Ean's around two or three and will be gone until like ten. Which is pretty great. I really like him. They were right when they said he'd grow on me. Cuz he has. We're gonna see a movie with his parents. And his mom is gonna cook ethnic food. Lol. I'm excited! Scared. But his mom is really excited to see me. I have butterflies and everything. But I'm really excited! I'm tired. And Skypeing ean. Yeaaaaaa. We might get sushi. I've never had sushi... I want milk... Umm. Yea so it's freezing here. Like seriously. Why do I have to live in Chicago? It's gonna be like -40 Monday. Which sucks!!!!but there won't be school so I guess I'm okay with it. I have homework to do. And I know I won't do it tomorrow. And I'm clearly not doing it now. So yea idk. I guess imam go. I dunno what to say. Byeeee!

Ean! And other shiz...

So me and ean are pretty fabulous. It'll be a month on Thursday. So another week. I'm meeting his parents day after tomorrow at 2. They're gonna cook for me. Haha. I'm excited. I really like him. And if he feels like I should meet his parents then I will. I'm the first girl he's brought home. So I'm freaking out a bit. Last night when he told his parents about me his dad thought he was gonna say he's gay and his mom thought he had got a girl pregnant. Lol. Well he may still be gay but I'm def not preggers. Thank Jesus. I want to be pregnant and have kids but not for a long time. A boy and then a girl. Braeden and Kalika. Yea. Strange names. But I love them. Maybe a third child. Named Aubrey. Regardless of its gender. Im gonna wear jeans, converse, a beanie, and a white shirt Saturday. Maybe curled hair. Je ne sais pas. I'm really excited! Super scared. Cuz I mean what if they don't like me? Or I say something stupid? Or I do something wrong? Or I don't like Belizean food? I mean I have a habit of speaking before thinking. And sometimes I say something and it comes off the wrong way. And I just don't want to do anything wrong. I guess I want it to be perfect. I've realized I'm not really OCD. I have an anxiety disorder. Everything has to be one way and I have to have control over it cuz if I don't I freak out. He grabbed my bum and I almost punched him... I'm worried about my dad:/ Both of them actually. And I really miss my mom. Renee. Like a lot. Some days more than others. I wish I was as smart as she was. Trust me, she wasn't gettin no C in chemistry. And people actually have A's in APUSH!! Which means its NOT that hard. I'm just stupid. And my chem teacher tried telling me it's fine that I had a C cuz it is a harder class. And I'm like no it's really not ok. I asked Ean to turnabout or the winter formal whatever same difference. He said yes, of course. Idk why I asked cuz I don't even wanna go. Like I do but I don't. I'm just not in the mood. And if I don't have friends going then I don't wanna go. I'm tired. Welp. I'm gonna go. Byeeeeeeee

Welp...

He's leaving soon. In like 20 minutes or so. I don't know why it's making me so upset. Well. Actually I do. I feel safe with him. Like nothing bad can happen. And I know as soon as he leaves things will go to crap again. I've been happy with him here. And as I said things will be crappy again when he leaves. Great. I'm crying. Ugh. Tears are so inconvenient. I know I'm gonna be really upset for a while now. Ean thinks everything will be okay because I have him. No! Things aren't going to be okay! Aaaaaah! I'm..I'm gonna go. I'm done. Bye

Today's news

Hey guys. So... My cousin leaves in the morning:/ I kind of overreacted and got upset last night. He said he would be home around 9 and came home at 12. I dunno I started crying and stuff cuz he's leaving and he said he'd be home and we could watch a movie or something and then he came really late. We had a moment..haha. It's weird cuz I'm not one to cry over really stupid small stuff like that. I dunno it just really upset me that he wasn't home. And that he's leaving. And then the stuff with my birth dad was bothering me for some reason. It shouldn't. As my cousin pointed out. Oi. Ean said he's falling for me hard. Hahaha. I am too. I really like him. Well talk to you guys later. Byeee

first week back from break

Hey yall! This first week back from break has kinda sucked. I've been super tired all week. I dunno haven't been sleeping well. As usual. Anyway! I really like Ean... I know it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. I fall for guys to quickly and then it ends badly. Ugh. I mean I shouldn't be thinking negatively right? Ean thinks we'll date a long time. All my friends have kinda been like daaaaaaamn when they found out. Or they just haven't said anything. Like Megan hasn't commented, Tami and Ashley and Alison think its cute. And Lauren hasn't really said anything either. Megan and Rachel in my lunch bunch said they saw it coming and Michelle was totally and completely shocked and thinks its weird. Hell, I think it's weird. They all think I'll grow into the relationship. I don't think so as much. Well, I already am I guess. I know he likes me more than I like him though. I mean he said that if I suddenly tuned into a dude he would go gay for me. Whatever. My cousin is leaving tomorrow. And leaving with his friend soon. It sucks. I miss him. I never see him anymore. Since he's in college and stuff. I think I might go to his college. It seems cool. Anyway. I wish he didn't have to leave:/ Or that he could come home sooner than summer. That's like 5 months from now. Or 6. Ugh. He's honestly my favorite cousin. And even though I won't say it to him he's pretty awesome. But awesome-ness runs in our generation. Hahaha. I dunno I feel like I can tell him anything. And he's almost the only person in my family like that. Actually, maybe the only one. We're both the oldest too. I'm 16 and he's 20. 4 year age gap. Like me and my younger siblings. So he fits as if he is my older brother. And I feel like we've always acted more like siblings than cousins anyway. That's the way it should be. My report card comes next week or so. Not looking forward to my mom reading that. All A's and two C's.... I mean it is AP US History and Honors Chem. I suck at chemistry. Like so hard. Then again my teacher isn't the best. I love her but she doesn't explain things well. I dunno. I'm fricken tired. well I'm done. Til next time...Byeee

Can't sleep

Hey guys. So we had a snow day today and tomorrow. Or..yesterday and today since its almost 5 am and I can't seem to fall asleep... Me and ean are good. I'm happy. Alec and Alison are doing kinda bad right now. And I dunno why but I feel like it's my fault. It's stupid. But that's how I feel. I don't really feel like explaining the whole thing. Tbh me nor Alec actually know why Alison is mad. Whatever. I can't wait to go back to school. This weather is driving me insane. What's cool is if you take boiling water and toss it in the air outside it turns into a powder. Then again it's -11 and feels -40 due to wind. This winter is bad. This is one of those times when I hate where I live. I'd rather be somewhere nice. Like brazil or Greece or Australia. Maybe Spain. Hm. I finally started writing again(: I'm on a roll. This year should be a good one. And unlike every other year I'm not setting myself up with a list of goals I won't accomplish. Instead I'm living by one rule. Be me. I'm going to be me. A better, happier, healthier me. I'm going to live life as it comes. That's the way life should be lived. Every day shouldn't be a planned thing. It should be a surprise. Something exciting and new. I just hope I can live that way. And enjoy my inner light now that I've cast out the dark. I think i can sleep now. At least I hope so.