My so called best friend

I hate her. I really think I do. Alison that is. My so called best friend. Please. First she bitches at me every time I say anything about talking to or hanging out with Tayler. Just because she isn't friends with her anymore. And IT PISSES ME OFF. Like seriously? Who the fuck are you to tell me who I can and cant talk to and hang with? Yea tayler's been makin some dumb ass choices but that doesn't mean her only best friends that aren't horrible role models should abandon her. Ugh. And she doesn't tell me shit anymore. She'll tell other people before she tells me even though we're supposed to be 'best friends'. For example, yesterday she came into anatomy. She made the comment 'i cant believe my mom made me come in today'. And I said 'cuz there's nothing wrong with you?' And she said 'I'm not sick' and I said 'exactly' and she said 'I wasn't pretending to be' and I said 'then why shouldn't you be here?' And she said 'don't worry about it'. But then she wanted to just copy my labs instead of doing them herself. Bitch, no. You can't tell me why you weren't in school for two days KNOWING you were my lab partner then you can fucking do the work on your own like I had to. And she came into class Thursday and then left without saying a fucking word to me. Ugh. She irritates me. And on top of that I'm the reason she's dating Alec. I got them together. And she gets all pissy when he talks to me outside of school. Seriously? He was my friend before you guys started dating. So fuck off. And I don't even think they should be dating anymore. Alison is a horrible fucking girlfriend. And Alec knows he's in a bad relationship but won't leave. And I'm not gonna say anything to him. Why? For what? It's none of my business. If he wants to stay in a shitty relationship with a girl that doesn't even respect him then fine. By all means stay in a relationship where you're treated as a toy. Ugh. Rant over. For now. Til next time. Bye. 

I hate how the people you least expect to hurt you are the ones that rip your heart out and throw it in a paper shredder. Sometimes you forgive them and they manage to reform your heart. But sometimes they reform your heart just to destroy it all over again. For some reason the second betrayal always hurts more than the first. My theory is because you aren't just mad at them this time, but yourself too. The saying goes fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Or something like that. It's like not only did they let you down AGAIN, but this time you thought things would be different. That they wouldn't do the same thing. That they had really changed. Again, stupid you. Why would they change? They know you'll keep excepting them regardless. Unless. Unless you stop believing in their crap and just stand up for yourself. That's part of what life is about. Not letting others get you down or keep you back from your full potential. Don't keep holding on to a lost cause. True love doesn't depress you. True love doesn't make you wish you'd just die. True love doesn't make you cry day after day because you just don't know what to do anymore. True love makes you want to fly free. True love gives you a reason to live or die for that person. True love makes you cry for joy, not sadness. I know this all sounds stupid. But it was just a moment that hit me. Til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so Cosplay maybe? pt2

Soooo we've decided to Disney characters instead of Madoka characters. I'll be Esmeralda and she will be Rapunzel after she got turned into a lesbian lookin princess aka with short brown hair. I found out the convention is the 15-17 of may. Yupp. Well this is just to catch yall up. Til next time. Byeeeeeeeeeeee

School, lee, and other stuffff

Ha. I'm in school. I downloaded the app recently so I can blog more and what not. Um yea. I'm not sure if my schools crappy wifi will let me actually end up posting this and stuff. Anyway. There's this kid, Well guy, that I know. His name is lee. He's awesome. Haha. He's really tall! Like 6 foot. And he's kinda dirty blonde-brunette-ish. He has brown eyes. And he's white, Of course. And He's cute. Haha. I've been talking to him for about a year now... Yea. He's like my best friend. Without all the complications of outside people. And like, if we don't want to talk to each other we don't have to. Since we don't see each other ever. Oh! And I forgot to mention, his voice? Aaaah. So perfect. Like its kinda deep and he has this slight southern accent and yea. Between his height and his voice he's got me. Um. Yeaaaa. Haha. What was I saying? Oh yea. We don't see each other so having outside lives is kind of a huge thing. Like huuuge. Idk. Hehehe he's bi. Random fun fact. Ummm. Yea. And no I don't mind! I would be a hypocrite if I cared about anyone's sexuality. Since, ya know, I'm bisexual myself. Anyway. We have lives outside of each other. And we've gone like huge amounts of time without talking. Idk how to explain how I feel about him. Like.. It's weird that I've formed such a strong connection with someone I've never even met. Or seen in person. But I really want to meet him. Like for real. Of course I have my worries. What if he isn't what or who he says he is? What if he isn't the guy I've fallen for? Ugh. It's ridiculous. But I'm admitting it. I really like him. I mean we casually say I love you all the time. But it's like, do we actually mean it? Or are we just sayin it. I guess this is the first time I've really thought about it. And I don't love him. I have too many doubts. And I have trust issues. Until those little doubts are gone... I dunno. I don't think I've really loved any of the guys I've dated. Actually, I know I haven't. I want to say I loved ean..but.. I didn't. It was more.. infatuation and a love for the idea of having a boyfriend and a relationship than actually loving him. I want to say I loved him because I got over the fact we didn't  know everything about each other. I dunno. I've never really truly loved anyone. Besides my big sister, little brother, Alison, Tayler, Kylee, and Ashley. Those four are my best friends in the whole world. I've basically narrowed it down like this, my heart has eight sections. One for each Alison, Tayler, Ashley and kylee. One for my dog Zane and my cat tweak. One for my sis and bro. One for boys (haha) and one for everything else. Maybe a ninth. For my love of music and art and writing and creativity in general. I have a big heart. Sometimes I wish it would shrivel up and disappear. I wish I could have the wicked queen come steal my heart. Being heartless would make the world so much more painless. I hate living sometimes. With such a passion I can't help but hate everything. Even the things I prize the most in my life. Like the friendships I've formed. I don't know. Sometimes I'm just so done with life it hurts. Anyway.. It's almost time to leave study hall. So. I'm gonna post this and go. Til next time. Byee. 

Ps. It totally wouldn't publish at school. I'm home now. 

Another wake

So today was my aunt Hollis's wake. She passed Friday evening. I can't believe she's gone. She was probably one of my most favorite people. She was the best. I thought my mom would be gone before her. Apparently she got sick and spiraled very quickly. I saw her in the hospital last Saturday and within a week she was gone. My mom asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her Thursday and I said no because I knew it would upset me too much. Now... I wish I had've. I really wish I had've. I know she's in a better place without pain and hurt. But what about the people still here? The family and friends whose lives she's touched. What about us? Everyone had to of saw it coming. Before she got sick. She was just too skinny. And she didnt eat enough. But I don't think we wanted to believe it. She was still gorgeous as ever in her casket. I think the only thing that really stops people from dissolving in tears at a funeral is the fact your loved one never looks like themselves after death. Ever. From my mom to grandma to aunt... None of them looked the way they did when they were alive. I miss her. Well. Goodnight y'all. Til next time. Bye. 

I'm a nerd, so Cosplay maybe?

Sooooo. One of my readers complained about my lack of activity. I have to be in the mood to blog! Anyway. I am sooooooo syked for the Comic con in May! I am going with my best friend. So far we have it going as Friday she is doing Kirito and I'm doing Asuna from Sword Art Online. Saturday She's doing Madam Red and I'm doing Claude from Black Butler. And Sunday we are either doing the twins from Ouran High School Host club (me being Hikaru and her as Kaoru) or her as Homura and me as Kyoko from Madoka Magica. We aren't sure about Sunday yet. I'm so excited though. I, as well as my friend, will be on the panel for Black Butler. So I really need to make sure I know my stuff. Hahaha. The only thing I'm worried about is my skin tone being a problem. And the awful wigs _-_ Anyway! Schol is back in. It has been since August 16th. So almost a month now. Jeeze. Sorry I haven't blogged sooner. Just been real busy. Junior year is so much harder than the past two years of High School. I don't think I like it too much. I am already god awful at Physics. No surprise. I have anatomy with my twin! Aaaaaah! That was an awesome moment on the first day. Mhmmmm. I'm still single. Of course. I found out the theme to my homecoming and possibly prom. The homecoming theme is Casino and rumor has it the prom theme is Masquerade. I it is I will die. And DEFINITELY go. If I had my own school I'd make an Anime themed dance. Lol. Kinda like a comic con. But with people dancing and music and food and yea. So I'm gonna go. I don't know what else to say. And I kinda wanna keep lookin at youtube videos about cosplaying and watching anime. Til next time, Byee.

Roller Coaster of a Summer

Hey guys! So I've been slackin... Sorry! This summer has been a roller coaster. Even though I haven't done very much. I mean I've hung out with friends twice since school ended in May. But I have traveled with family. First I went to Virginia with my mom and little brother and sister. It was to see Rebekah in Fort Lee. She should actually be flying home on the 7th of August! We swam a lot at the hotel since there wasn't very much to do. We had a barbecue one night. And went to a water park one day too. But it didn't matter what we were doing, we were all happy because we were together. I missed that girl like crazy. I cant wait for her to finally get home. I hung out with Ali and Tay one day once I was home. Then maybe a week after that trip I went to Kansas with just my mom to see my big sister. We had an awesome time. Well... after all the drama ended. That's for later though. I got my ears pierced! Now I have two holes in each ear. I'm happy. We shopped quite a bit too. And had Mongolian food for lunch one day, omg do I love that stuff. I've been home for about six days now and so far I have done nothing. Anyway. On to the dramatic bits of my summer! Where to start.. Well first we had a garage fire...the day we left for Virginia. Yea. Talk about shitty luck. The little old man that lives with us now was smoking cigarette butts and didn't put one out and set the couch on fire in the garage which escalated pretty quickly. We lost so much stuff. Including like ten photo albums and year books from when my mom was growin up. I wish she would make him leave. Especially since he continues to sneak and smoke cigarette butts (ya know, the filters that are left when you're done smoking?). And then we had to leave Kansas because...dun dun dun duuuuun... my little sister got raped. Yea. Shitty luck again. She is sayin our uncle that was here watchin the house and the old folks and the dogs and her did it.  We don't really know yet. The only other adults were my big bro and my dad. Well, besides john and shelly but their old and shelly is one flew over the cuckoos nest and a chick. Anyway. Yea so that happened. And my cousin Ashley that my sister and her husband took guardian ship over ran away. Yea. She stole a ton of money and booze and some pills and sold her tv and Xbox an it was a huge mess. She came home about a week later just to be sent to a mental hospital for two weeks for "trying to kill herself". She got out the day after me and my mom got into Kansas. And so the drama begins. Basically her and Aron (my sisters husband) were being huge assholes and making me and my mom very uncomfortable and stressing my sister out. Well maybe three days into the trip they got over their selves and stopped. But yup. I can say its been a very eventful yet uneventful summer. Oh! And I almost got a job! Until they realized they had interviewed me for the wrong position. Thanks people of Walmart! Not that I really wanted to work there. It was predominately guys working there and I'm not cool with that. Um yea. Me and Ean are 100% fo sho o v e r over. Not gonna lie, I totally miss him. But what can ya do? You don't always get a choice in who you fall in love with. My hair is getting long again. So I'm happy. OMG I almost forgot. We were talkin one night about stuff my mom let my older siblings do but not me and it led to piercings and tattoos. Well that's how I ended uo getting my second hole and the OKAY to get a cartilage piercing to. And belly button. But I'm not really gonna get that one. Not yet anyway. Well we started talkin about where my sister got her ears pierced and stuff and tattoos got brought up and my mom said I could get a tramp stamp. a real one. Not henna or anything. A legit tattoo. I was like... wth? Are you high? I didn't say that. I was thinking it. Of course I'm pretty sure her and my sister both were smoking pot earlier that night. I can't remember now. But yeaaaaa. That's why I love my big sister. She can convince my mom o let me do the things she let them do at my age. Like the second hole and cartilage my sister got done at sixteen. And the tattoo she got at seventeen. And the belly button piercing she got at like fifteen I think she said. And she pierced her tongue at seventeen or eighteen I don't remember. That one she didn't have permission to do though... But yea. And we were talkin about the old days when my mom let them have parties and stuff. I wish I could throw a party like that. With pot and alcohol. Mom. Just haaad to go and turn into a parent when she got me. Lol. I also found out some things I neeeeeeever wanted to know. Like how my sister got her nipples pierced. And my brother got his dick pierced and his balls. And my brothers friend Tim got his dick pierced. I didn't want to know that. I really didn't. Like seriously. I could have gone my entire life without ever knowing that. Of course Nathan nor Tim know that I know. I mean how do you tell some one you know something like that? Yea ya know heather told me you guys got your dicks pierced. Uh huh. NO. So yea. Oh I painted my room. I don't know if I told yall that. The two opposite walls are lime green and the other two opposite walls are turquoise. And in the one corner by my window it has my name made out of wood painted with chalkboard paint so I can write on them with chalk. I also got this new rug and it is AMAZING. Like its just so soft. Oh I just remembered something.. Alison if you're reading this, Yes, I have your beanie. And I want one just like it! I know where they're at. Spencers for like ten bucks. YA. I dunno. I think you guys are pretty caught up. I talk to Ron. Yea don't ask. Apparently he still loves me. I think he's full of shit. And I talk to milo and joe still. They're cool. I haven't talked to Ean since we broke up. I'm back. I don't know where I was goin with any of that. Anyway. I just ate dinner after getting home from the comic book store. I now have the first three chapters or books of the Prophecy series. I also have the first issue in the return to wonderland series, and issues 278, 279, and 283 of the Uncanny X-Men series. I was gonna get more X-men comics today but I found the Prophecy series and thought it looked pretty cool so I got it. I'll look for more of the Prophecy and Alice in Wonderland next Wednesday. There are free comics on those days. So that's how I get mine. I actually need to buy bags and boards for the Prophecy comics and boards for the X-Men comics. To keep them safe and clean and what not. Well I don't have much else to tell you guys. I'm a comic reading, anime obsessing nerd. Yea. I LOOOOVE anime. Like seriously. I finished like four animes in a week. Attack on Titan, Madoka Magica, Rosario + Vampire, Sword art online, and My Bride is a Mermaid. So five not four. I now own Attack on Titan on DVD and Blue-Ray. Yeaaaa. I also have all of Blood and Death Note on my laptop. so I don't have to watch them on Netflix. There's also this amazeballs show called Misfits that I watch on Hulu. Its fucking amazing. I lurve it. Oh and my brother is getting a divorce. Another thing I guess I forgot to mention. Mhm. well I guess I'm done now... Til next time. bye.

Hope yet for humanity

So I went and got my class ring yesterday from Walmart right? And my mom needed to pick up a few little things. Well She forgot her debit card in the car or at home and the man in line behind us paid for our stuff. It was super nice of him. This is the first time I've ever experienced one of those "hope for humanity" moments. It was nice to know that some people are still decent and not complete assholes.

I've been a busy girl

Sooooo. Long time no see? Hahaha... Welp. me and Ean are back together. It's only been a week. But yea. I'm into this anime called Attack on Titan. I love it. And did you guys know I only have 111 followers on instagram? You guys should help me out to reach my goal of 500. Follow me @ _meowmix15      If you follow me I'll follow you back. Or try to at least. My instagram doesn't always work. I dunno if its just my iPod..or what. Anyway! Some exciting things have happened since I last posted. Lets start with spring break! Nothing all that interesting happened besides Ean breaking up with me. His reason? I got too clingy and controlling. Okay. Whatever. Well I didn't really do anything until the final couple days. Tayler and me hung out most of the day Saturday at the mall and just driving since she has a car and license. Then she came over and spent the night and we omegled people till like 1 am. That was fun. And we hung out a bit Sunday. The weekend after that I had lunch with Tayler, her mom, her bro, and her moms friend and daughter. Then we went to a sleepover with a bunch of Tayler's friends. We almost got kicked out of Meijer. And they ditched us a few times. We got Wendy's at one point. Then we went back to Leeanza's and got drunk. It was a great Saturday afternoon/night. Sunday I went home feeling like shit. The weekend after that Tayler came over again and we spent Saturday together and Sunday. She didn't spend the night though. Alison hung out with us both days too. Saturday we walked to Alison's, walked to the park, talked to Ashley, walked back to my house, drove to Westfield and got some cheese fries, and then drove back to mine then drove around and found Ean's house, then dropped Ali off and me and Tayler went and got my little brother Dakota and went to the elementary school park and met Ean there. Then we all went home. Sunday we drove to Alison's and got her and went to the mall and to goodwill. It was like pouring by the time we got back to my house. They stayed for about 20 minutes before Tayler dropped Alison off and went home. This past weekend Ean came over Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and chilled. He couldn't come over Sunday due to Easter. Easter went well for the most part. Better than holidays usually do. My older brother will probably be moving in at some point in the near future.  The school weeks in between my interesting relatively social weekends have been pretty boring and uneventful. I downloaded this app called whisper and its pretty great. I started talking to this awesome dude from Scotland. We have a lot in common actually. I need to clean my room. and do the dishes... ugh. I don't really want to though. Well the dishes I really need to do before my mom gets home. And I need to let the dogs out... Well I'm gonna go do that! Til next time, Byeeee XX

"Friends" yea fucking right...

He wants to be friends. How can I be friends with someone that ripped my heart out, tossed it on the ground, and stomped on it like a cockroach? How can I be friends with someone that broke me so far beyond what anyone else has managed to do? I can't even stand to think about him. I mean the first night. I cried uncontrollably until I got sick and threw up. The next morning, more uncontrollable tears. But after that...I've just been numb. I'm not mad at him. I'm not anything. I'm just hurt. Unbelievably hurt. But it's what I get right? For opening up foolishly and stupidly again. For letting someone have all of me. I knew from the first week I shouldn't have let our relationship continue. But I did! Because I knew I'd fall for him. And I did. Of course I did. Cause I'm unbelievably stupid. I loved him. And I never got the chance to say it back. And its not fair! He stole that chance from me. But he wants to be friends. He says he'll regret his decision. If you know you'll regret it why make that decision? My mom said not be angry. And to sty friends. And not turn our relationship, my first real relationship by the way, into a bad experience. But guess what? I feel like the past 12 weeks have been the best in my life. Because I knew it didn't matter what happened, everyday at school, I got to see him. I got to see ean. And it made my day worth it. He made life worth it. And I know you're thinking, he can still make it worth it! Just as friends now instead of more, right? Wrong. I don't want to be just friends. It's selfish and stupid but I can't stand to be just friends. Not with him. With milo it's easy. We never should have dated to begin with. We were perfectly happy as best friends. And joe, we have both gone through too much and are both too fucked up for anything to have worked out. We should've stayed friends. Ron is a fucking dick and that was a mistake. Milo was long distance, and Ron and joe both only lasted a week. Ean was my first real relationship. He saw me everyday and we dated for almost three months. Which is why it's so stupid I'm upset at all!! God I fucking hate myself! Damnit! I attach myself to people way too quickly. I trust only to be torn appart. I feel like I've said these same things a million times. But I never felt the way I do right now. I have never been so mad at myself before for loving someone so much when I know I shouldn't. Even now I'm crying. My brother and Alison and Alec and Courtney and Sebastian all think I should be mad at him. He broke up with me on Facebook. He could have broken up with me earlier that day at school. Not that it really would have made a difference. I'd still be upset. At least this way I didn't have to deal with any of the snotty assholes on my bus. Ugh I'm a mess. And part of me hopes he reads these still. Byee

Of course

So we broke up. Of course we did. Of curse my mom was right. She always is. But this... I didn't want her to be right about this. About him. I feel like like my whole world has exploded. I can't breathe. And I don't feel like living anymore. I've broken up with 4 guys before. And I've never felt this way. I don't know what to do. I just feel so sick. I just...

Jr's back!

So Jr's home for Spring Break! Yay! Lol. He brought his gf home. So this will be an interesting two weeks. He'll meet Ean tomorrow. Hopefully. And Dakota has a play tonight! My little bro? Yea. It's a Wizard of Oz play. He's a Winkie guard. We'll leave soon to see it. And I think my mom is gonna make me drive. Unfortunately. I really don't like driving. I mean I really don't. Ugh. Me and Ean are good. We got in a fight yesterday. It was stupid. I'm over it. Ye. Well people are coming upstairs. Byeeeee!

Over a year now

So I just realized I've had this blog for a little over a year now! Like a year and half actually. I'm surprised. I've never been able to keep up with something before. Like seriously dude you should see how sketchy my diary is. There are like week and month gaps. And I have the thing with me everyday at school. So yea just wanted to say that.. I dunno why. Lol. Byeeee!

The big boobed blonde known as Trish

So I know some people have seen the GIF of the blonde chick questioning whether dog’s have brains or not. And I have to say that was a dumb moment. And I’m not entirely sure she was being serious. She does troll videos on her channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/blndsundoll4mj). And she’s actually pretty smart. So yea just wanted to put that out there. That she’s not some stupid, big boobed, blonde. I really don’t care if you disagree. Cuz there are tons of people who do love Trish. Yes her name is Trisha Payas. She’s written some books. One’s a memoir, another’s about her stripper life (the stripper diaries), and she has an erotic fiction(Tease) out there too. So yea…. Bye!

Valentine's day!

Ok so hey guys! Yesterday was V-Day! And unlike last year and every other year I actually had a Valentine. That is a guy. Of course my boyfriend Ean! And it was a pretty great day. Unlike last year when I cried a lot and cried on Ashley on the bus… Anyway! He gave me this really cute heart necklace, a sock monkey with nerd glasses that says ‘talk nerdy to me’. It’s so cute! Love that thing. And a heart shaped box of chocolate (of course).  So yea it was pretty great. I’m broke and felt like complete shit cuz I couldn’t get him anything but he said he didn’t care anyway. I don’t think so. But whatever. After school he came to my house around 5 and we watched movies and...stuff. We watched Carrie, insidious 1 and 2 and Wall-E! Carrie was really good. I was like ‘damn that girl is something.’ He went home a little after 11. We had a pretty great night. If I knew people didn’t read this I’d go further into detail but truth is... I don’t want people to know. No one even knows the full horrible slutty details of me and Ron. And I like it that way. I want to tell someone... But I can’t. I can’t tell anyone anything. And it’s really bothering me. Cuz I’m really not stable right now… and Ean isn’t really talking to me so it’s making me feel worse. I haven’t even had a single thought about hurting myself in the last almost 7 weeks I’ve been with Ean. But right about now I kind of crave the pain. I feel horrible. I don’t understand how girls can be whores! I wonder if they feel this awful. Or if they just give no fucks. I wish I didn’t care. I really do. Ugh I hope nobody reads this. I shouldn’t even publish it. Maybe I’ll make my blog private after this; or before. I’m shaking. I really don’t want anyone to see this now. Ugh. Well Valentine’s Day was great. At first. And I wish I could say at the time I was having fun. But I wasn’t. I was just numb. And now I regret it. I mean I regretted it at the time too. Yet I didn’t stop anything that was going on. I mean I wish I could explain my feelings better when I’m actually talking to said person but I can’t. I can blog to tons of invisible anonymous people, but when it comes to talking directly to someone it’s harder. A lot harder. Ugh. I’m gonna go. Byee.

Ean's moms birfday

Had dinner with Ean's family tonight. For his moms birthday. I got her a candle and some lotion and a scarf and a copy of all my books and poems. Except the book that's hand written. I still need to type it. But yea it was nice. I love his family. His parents are pretty great and his little brothers are funny. We had salad and potatoes and green beans and broccoli and rice and they ate steak and there was strawberry cake. And we watched Enders game (which is a pretty great movie). And me and ean cuddled on the couch. And yea. Omg! So funny thing happened. Ok there kitchen table is kinda high. So the chairs are kinda. Well I'm short. I couldn't reach the floor. So I couldn't get down to leave the table. So I was like ummm ean? I'm stuck... And he kinda laughed at me and pulled my chair out. It was embarrassing! But pretty funny. So yea lol that happened. And when we were on the couch I kept poking ean and I was enjoying myself. Haha. He's very ticklish. Then ya kno it was time to go and my night got crappy-ish. Ugh. Whatevs. Byeeeee!

2014 Winter Formal

So I went to the dance last night! The winter formal/ twerp. Girls choice(duh). I asked ean of course. And he said yes, I mean why wouldn't he? Haha. It was fun. Not that many people showed up. And it was in the cafeteria. Like wth? Me and ean and Alison and Alec all danced together and we had fun. Me ean and Brandon took some pictures, me and Alison took some pictures, and me ean Alison and Alec took some pictures. We're pretty cute. Hahaha. But um yea. I had alot of fun with ean. And I looked pretty great. And he was really cute. And yea. Any questions? Leave em below. Byeee

4 jours week-end avec ean

Ok so about last weekend! I did meet Ean's parents Saturday night. It was pretty great. I love his parents! They're accents are too perf. So I went over at about 4:30 and we chilled at his for a while. Then we went out for sushi. Which was actually really good! And I taught Ean how to use chopsticks!! It was fun. Then we went out and saw I, Frankenstein. It was  a pretty kick ass movie. I love it! Buying it when it coms out. Hey did I tell y'all Ean wants to buy me yoga pants for V-day? Lol yea. He just wants to see my ass in a nice pair of pants. Haha. Anyway. After the movie we went back to his house and watched a scary movie and then his dad and him took me home. He kissed me goodnight and it was great. Omg! So he rang my door bell when he dropped me off. It was pretty funny. Then Sunday I came back over and watched the grammys with him. And Monday he came over to my house and we chilled and ate dinner. It was a pretty great weekend. Until I got grounded Tuesday night for back talking. Oh wells. OH!  nd it was a 4 day weekend! Bad weather Monday and Tuesday. Thursday was our one month. We broke up Friday. For all of 4 hours.. Yea. Well Imma go. Byeeeeeeeee

Weekend planssss

So about Saturday. I'm going to Ean's around two or three and will be gone until like ten. Which is pretty great. I really like him. They were right when they said he'd grow on me. Cuz he has. We're gonna see a movie with his parents. And his mom is gonna cook ethnic food. Lol. I'm excited! Scared. But his mom is really excited to see me. I have butterflies and everything. But I'm really excited! I'm tired. And Skypeing ean. Yeaaaaaa. We might get sushi. I've never had sushi... I want milk... Umm. Yea so it's freezing here. Like seriously. Why do I have to live in Chicago? It's gonna be like -40 Monday. Which sucks!!!!but there won't be school so I guess I'm okay with it. I have homework to do. And I know I won't do it tomorrow. And I'm clearly not doing it now. So yea idk. I guess imam go. I dunno what to say. Byeeee!

Ean! And other shiz...

So me and ean are pretty fabulous. It'll be a month on Thursday. So another week. I'm meeting his parents day after tomorrow at 2. They're gonna cook for me. Haha. I'm excited. I really like him. And if he feels like I should meet his parents then I will. I'm the first girl he's brought home. So I'm freaking out a bit. Last night when he told his parents about me his dad thought he was gonna say he's gay and his mom thought he had got a girl pregnant. Lol. Well he may still be gay but I'm def not preggers. Thank Jesus. I want to be pregnant and have kids but not for a long time. A boy and then a girl. Braeden and Kalika. Yea. Strange names. But I love them. Maybe a third child. Named Aubrey. Regardless of its gender. Im gonna wear jeans, converse, a beanie, and a white shirt Saturday. Maybe curled hair. Je ne sais pas. I'm really excited! Super scared. Cuz I mean what if they don't like me? Or I say something stupid? Or I do something wrong? Or I don't like Belizean food? I mean I have a habit of speaking before thinking. And sometimes I say something and it comes off the wrong way. And I just don't want to do anything wrong. I guess I want it to be perfect. I've realized I'm not really OCD. I have an anxiety disorder. Everything has to be one way and I have to have control over it cuz if I don't I freak out. He grabbed my bum and I almost punched him... I'm worried about my dad:/ Both of them actually. And I really miss my mom. Renee. Like a lot. Some days more than others. I wish I was as smart as she was. Trust me, she wasn't gettin no C in chemistry. And people actually have A's in APUSH!! Which means its NOT that hard. I'm just stupid. And my chem teacher tried telling me it's fine that I had a C cuz it is a harder class. And I'm like no it's really not ok. I asked Ean to turnabout or the winter formal whatever same difference. He said yes, of course. Idk why I asked cuz I don't even wanna go. Like I do but I don't. I'm just not in the mood. And if I don't have friends going then I don't wanna go. I'm tired. Welp. I'm gonna go. Byeeeeeeee

Welp...

He's leaving soon. In like 20 minutes or so. I don't know why it's making me so upset. Well. Actually I do. I feel safe with him. Like nothing bad can happen. And I know as soon as he leaves things will go to crap again. I've been happy with him here. And as I said things will be crappy again when he leaves. Great. I'm crying. Ugh. Tears are so inconvenient. I know I'm gonna be really upset for a while now. Ean thinks everything will be okay because I have him. No! Things aren't going to be okay! Aaaaaah! I'm..I'm gonna go. I'm done. Bye

Today's news

Hey guys. So... My cousin leaves in the morning:/ I kind of overreacted and got upset last night. He said he would be home around 9 and came home at 12. I dunno I started crying and stuff cuz he's leaving and he said he'd be home and we could watch a movie or something and then he came really late. We had a moment..haha. It's weird cuz I'm not one to cry over really stupid small stuff like that. I dunno it just really upset me that he wasn't home. And that he's leaving. And then the stuff with my birth dad was bothering me for some reason. It shouldn't. As my cousin pointed out. Oi. Ean said he's falling for me hard. Hahaha. I am too. I really like him. Well talk to you guys later. Byeee

first week back from break

Hey yall! This first week back from break has kinda sucked. I've been super tired all week. I dunno haven't been sleeping well. As usual. Anyway! I really like Ean... I know it's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. I fall for guys to quickly and then it ends badly. Ugh. I mean I shouldn't be thinking negatively right? Ean thinks we'll date a long time. All my friends have kinda been like daaaaaaamn when they found out. Or they just haven't said anything. Like Megan hasn't commented, Tami and Ashley and Alison think its cute. And Lauren hasn't really said anything either. Megan and Rachel in my lunch bunch said they saw it coming and Michelle was totally and completely shocked and thinks its weird. Hell, I think it's weird. They all think I'll grow into the relationship. I don't think so as much. Well, I already am I guess. I know he likes me more than I like him though. I mean he said that if I suddenly tuned into a dude he would go gay for me. Whatever. My cousin is leaving tomorrow. And leaving with his friend soon. It sucks. I miss him. I never see him anymore. Since he's in college and stuff. I think I might go to his college. It seems cool. Anyway. I wish he didn't have to leave:/ Or that he could come home sooner than summer. That's like 5 months from now. Or 6. Ugh. He's honestly my favorite cousin. And even though I won't say it to him he's pretty awesome. But awesome-ness runs in our generation. Hahaha. I dunno I feel like I can tell him anything. And he's almost the only person in my family like that. Actually, maybe the only one. We're both the oldest too. I'm 16 and he's 20. 4 year age gap. Like me and my younger siblings. So he fits as if he is my older brother. And I feel like we've always acted more like siblings than cousins anyway. That's the way it should be. My report card comes next week or so. Not looking forward to my mom reading that. All A's and two C's.... I mean it is AP US History and Honors Chem. I suck at chemistry. Like so hard. Then again my teacher isn't the best. I love her but she doesn't explain things well. I dunno. I'm fricken tired. well I'm done. Til next time...Byeee

Can't sleep

Hey guys. So we had a snow day today and tomorrow. Or..yesterday and today since its almost 5 am and I can't seem to fall asleep... Me and ean are good. I'm happy. Alec and Alison are doing kinda bad right now. And I dunno why but I feel like it's my fault. It's stupid. But that's how I feel. I don't really feel like explaining the whole thing. Tbh me nor Alec actually know why Alison is mad. Whatever. I can't wait to go back to school. This weather is driving me insane. What's cool is if you take boiling water and toss it in the air outside it turns into a powder. Then again it's -11 and feels -40 due to wind. This winter is bad. This is one of those times when I hate where I live. I'd rather be somewhere nice. Like brazil or Greece or Australia. Maybe Spain. Hm. I finally started writing again(: I'm on a roll. This year should be a good one. And unlike every other year I'm not setting myself up with a list of goals I won't accomplish. Instead I'm living by one rule. Be me. I'm going to be me. A better, happier, healthier me. I'm going to live life as it comes. That's the way life should be lived. Every day shouldn't be a planned thing. It should be a surprise. Something exciting and new. I just hope I can live that way. And enjoy my inner light now that I've cast out the dark. I think i can sleep now. At least I hope so.